Fuji, The Dolphin With The Fake Fin
What is there to say about the dolphin with the artificial fin? You know, the one at Okinawa's Churaumi Aquarium that developed a rare disease, losing most of her tail?
I can think of three reactions: that's amazing and wonderful for the dolphin!; how was this feat of modern science achieved?; and most importantly, just think of all the awful, awful jokes I could make about this.
To honor this reaction, and to further emphasize the magical nature of things that come in threes, I have selected three facts from the news links and reproduced them in bold below. For each fact, I have produced three terrible gags that I could have worked into a post about this.
Which would have made the cut is immaterial -- they all would have, of course -- but what follows is an exercise in lowbrow humor for You, The Reader, a sort of Choose-Your-Groan Adventure.
Pick your favorite gag, pretend I didn't think of the others. At least it'll save my project budget money I would've spent on an editor.
1. FACT: Bridgestone Japan -- this country's equivalent of the American tire company, famous for its role in Formula One racing -- designed the dolphin's prosthesis.
a. "See where the rubber meets the road in a BBC video here."
b. "That's one tired dolphin."
c. "Isn't using rubber supposed to prevent rotting flesh diseases?"
2. FACT: The fin cost a reported 10 million yen -- roughly $83,000 -- to develop.
a. "The last person to spend that much money at an aquarium was Troy McClure."
b. "Forget the F-22 Raptor, Okinawa should recruit a hundreds-strong fleet of robotic dolphins with laser beams attached to their heads."
c. "Flipper better get some prosthetic hands next, because she's gonna be working in a sweatshop stitching soccer balls at six cents an hour to pay that debt off."
3. FACT: According to Churaumi's notes here, the aquarium is cooperating with the Institute of Cetacean Research to improve swimming speed for future designs.
a. "We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We can make her better ... stronger ... faster."
b. "No word on whether Bridgestone will sponsor the Physically Challenged Dolphin Prosthesis Olympics, but speculation that the races would get better TV ratings in America than Formula One races do is very reasonable."
c. "I'm bored with this already, so I'm going to go watch this video of the scuba diving cat and dog."
I'll be here all summer, folks. Be sure to tip your bartender.
